I'm sorry...

...I ignored your texts that weekend.
...I'm childish.
...I annoy you.
...I'm not fun around your friends.
...I'm "lame".
...I can't help with anything.
...I did this to us.
...for all the times I've been too stubborn to apologize or admit I was wrong.
...for your pain.
...for saying forever. I wanted it to be true.
...for putting your through this, especially during school.
...the last time we hung out wasn't too great.
...I took you for granted.
...I never took you out on a nice date.
...I will never live with you.
...I'll never marry you.
...I'll never get you a pug.
...I broke your heart.
...I never wrote you back.

Yeah, I know...

"I used to think u were the exception to the rule. I was wrong! You WILL regret losing her!"
-Dani's mom, Tuesday March 1, 2011, 2:01 AM

"Joey. Please! When u feel like talking we will listen. I am so sad right now. You are loved so much and dani loves you with all her heart & soul. We love dani 2."
-Mom, Tuesday March 1, 2011, 9:57 AM

And yet we still fit like puzzle pieces

She'd never been broken up with and i'd never broken up with someone. How can we still be connected even during a break up?

boats and birds

I'm souless

midturms

boy i miss my girlfriend. i don't think midterms will be as bad this quarter because i don't have many projects due. I have a timeline which shouldn't take too much effort or work. I might have a project for my programming class but that's ok because i love doing work in that class. the other classes will just move likely be a test that will be done in one class. This quarter is definitely my favorite. The work load is significantly less. I think it's due to my lack of art classes this quarter. F yeah!

I hope dani gets her stuff done and gets what she deserves :) I also hope it won't be like this all semester for her because i'm pretty sure she won't have any hair left if it keeps up for the whole semester haha. I love you and i know you'll do well. Keep making me proud. :)

Saturday January 22

Today, i didn't do much. I woke up around 11. Red mango was giving away their new dark chocolate yogurt for $1 and they also gave a [mystery item here =P] which i plan to give to dani. It's nothing big but i think she'll like it. Allison and elly were working and allison convinced me to buy another yogurt. she's persuasive haha. I really like that flavor. After I got home again, I kinda just layed around. I actually did my programming homework (projects and quizzes!). I still have to do my critical thinking homework by 2pm tomorrow (have to email him 24 hours in advance). I don't think I have to do anything for history of games as an art form, but I've been assigned my midterm so maybe work on that? shrug, probably not haha.

I work tomorrow 5-close (as opposed to dani's 12-6 :C). The owners are going on a two week vacation and there has to be a supervisor at the store at all times. And guess who just became one! That makes 3 of us. I've figured that i'm getting about 46 hours in the next 2 weeks. I'll be tired! I feel bad for sophie though. She seems like she'll be getting more hours and even one day she'll work from open to close. that's ridiculous! I might try to take over that day around 5 if she wants to go home. I've worked 1-close (getting out around 11:30) before and I was so exhausted so I couldn't imagine working 10-11:30. Shrug.

Dani I miss you. I wish we lived closer. I always think you stop texting me but I always forget to send my message and it makes me sad haha. I really want to live with you. I think it'd be so fun. I hope we'd be playful and funny. I would hope for everything to be normal with our own twist on things.

Right now, around 12:35, i'm listening to kyle play songs he's made (rap). They're pretty cool and he's really excited to play them. The song he's playing now is sad. His sister died and he made a song about it. He's religious too so there's a lot of god references which makes it sadder. And not to mention he's using the music from a sad eminem song. Sadness everywhere! Haha i need to go to bed. I have to get up early enough to email my teacher my stuff. I still have to read a bunch and then write 2 pages. Shouldn't be too bad but it has to be done. Ah well. I'll be good. This quarter will be a good one. I'm not late on anything so far which is excellent. Plus i have good classes :) I have to stop talking. Good night. I hope dani texts me back soon, as it would be a good end to the night.

Untitled

Please God. I don't want to lose her. She means everything to me. But I can't live that way, I just can't. I'd compromise but from the looks of it, this can't be compromised. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. 2 years, 3 months, and 15 days today.

I love you with everything I have. I would risk (and even sacrifice) my life for yours. In a heartbeat. It's 12:10 and it's been an hour and 30 minutes since we started the conversation and 20 minutes since we ended it. I hope you understand what I meant by "You're not helping my thought process" because I can't bear to say it. I can't even think about it. Even the first, unformed thought brings me to instant tears. If I dive deeper into the thoughts, the tears come faster. I just got up to brush the tears away and blow my nose and I'm sure it won't be the last time in writing this post. I don't know what I'd do without you. Arlington is a big place for someone so lonely, despite having someone to talk to at any time. Without that person I can't even imagine what it would be like. I'd hate to have to experience all these things with no one to share it with. And I'm so shy about meeting people that I'd be hopeless. I can picture myself being alone, living alone. You, on the otherhand, will always have someone, even if it's a friend. You will never be alone because it's just who are you. I'm so closed up that it's really hard for me to meet people by myself. It's too hard. I really hope you figure out what you want from this relationship. And if I ever find out that you lie to me in the near future to stay with me, I will be incredibly upset. You'd be building this relationship on a lie and I would be both crushed and angry. Please think carefully about what you want in life. Because 27 months is a long time and it would be a waste to go further, knowing that our lives would not be compatible.

And remember that I love you. I would not be this emotional over something like this if it were not for love. I believe I'm running out of tears in just under 2 hours, as it's 12:25 now. Remember when I said my class did the relaxation technique? There were 3 parts. The first was to clear your mind and completely relax your mind and body. The second was to picture yourself in the most peaceful and enjoyable place you could imagine. The third was to focus energy on certain body parts. Want to know where my peaceful place was? It was in your bed at your house. I was on the side closer to the door, on my back. You were snuggled up right next to me. Our legs were touching and the blankets were over us. You had your eyes closed but you were smiling. I had my right arm around your, lightly moving it up and down your back. That was my most peaceful and enjoyable place I could possibly think of. Remember, I love you.

Please excuse any typos as it's hard to read through tears.

birthday wishes

sometimes I wish I wasn't so childish. I wish I wasn't so eager to blame you and see how you'd react. I wish I could stop being jealous in my own way. I wish I could stop making you feel bad about yourself. I wish I could be happy for what you do for me for once without wanting more. I wish I could tell you my feelings and thoughts without making you the bad guy, even when you're not. I wish deep down I would stop trying to make problems in our relationship, because some part of me wants adversity. I wish I lived with you. I wish that we will have the kind of relationship (other than dating) that I imagine and hope we will have. A joking and fun loving one. Without getting too high strung or serious. I hate that. I hate it. I wish I knew how to communicate with you better. I wish you could read my mind and see what I want you to see. Because i'm terrible at explaining it. I wish I could trade all my presents for more time with you. I wish you could really see how much love I have for you. I wish you could somehow bring it out of me. Because something is blocking it and I want it gone. I wish I could make you laugh as hard as they do. Because all my jokes seem to fail and you just sit there, empty and blank. That's a big wish, though I doubt it will ever come true. I wish you understood how badly I want to make you laugh as hard as they do. Because in my eyes, humor is all I have to offer, and I'm being upstaged badly. I wish I could see your smile more often. Because it really is beautiful. I wish you would text me right now. I wish I wasn't so stupid. Because I see what you're worth, but I can't appreciate it. I wish I had a car so I could take you places. I want so badly to kidnap you, even before I had my license. I wish I could still impress you like I used to. I wish I didn't feel so distant from you sometimes. Even when I'm sitting right next to you. I wish you would read this, knowing that it's easier for me to open up to a text box than to you. Because I can't communicate it correctly to you. I wish you knew that I wrote this all because I feel like I'm a jerk to you. And that I know you don't deserve my misguided frustration. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could stop tearing up. I wish you'd text me when you read this. I wish I was asian, for you.

To name a few...

shrug

so many thoughts and questions. i'm really confused.

and it all came from this weekend.

My hobby

includes thinking very deeply about things that other people couldn't care less about. Today I was sitting by the park I found. An older couple comes up to look at the falling water too. They have a stroller with a kid not more than 2. They moved to the upper area to see the water from above. As I looked at the kid, i wondered how he visually processed the moving water. This reminded me of the fact that newborns see everything upside down because the brain has not flipped the image that the eyes receive yet. This started a chain of thinking where I wondered if there were people whose images were not flipped. They would not know the difference from any other person. This would be because when directions, up and down, were taught, educators (teachers, parents or other) would say things like, look up to the sky. To a person who doesn't know what up is, it could be any direction. As long as it is consistent, up could mean anything.

I spent 10 or 15 minutes just trying to logically see an upside down image. It was hard but i got it. Then I thought about left and right. Would they be opposite as well? No. Because the image the eyes received is flipped, and not rotated 180 degrees. This means that left and right would be the same for everyone, whether their brain flips the image or not. Feeling satisfied with my thoughts, i left the park and went home.

Hey, you:

I love you so much. You don't even know how much you mean to me. I'd do anything even if it was just to make you smile. There's so much we've done together and so many memories we've made in these last 21 months. I don't see an end to this anytime soon and I hope there is no end. I love you, so, so, so very much.

Love,
Joey

post #2

Alone time is good. Alone in my room. Door shut. Computer on. There's so many things I can do. And none of it frustrates, annoys or saddens me. Alone time is good. If I could, i'd just live alone with not much more than 3 nice sized rooms. A room to stay in. A kitchen. A bathroom. I really wouldn't need much else. And I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else's wellbeing. It'd just be me in this world. If I really needed to talk to someone i have online friends. Before you quickly judge and say they aren't real friends, i don't need friends. I don't go out and hang out with friends, although sometimes i think it might be fun. Just give me alone time. Let me sit and rot until there's nothing left but boring bones, instead of a boring body and mind.

A dream

I'm driving normally. In my mom's car. It's night time out and everyone is asleep except those who decide to sit outside or those who drive around like I am. It's cool out, but i keep the windows and sunroof closed with the AC on. The music is playing. 101.5 Bob Rocks or DC 101. It doesn't matter because i'm not listening anyway. I'm thinking. Some lights are on and some are off. I'm sitting at a red light. All of a sudden i get an urge.

I want to drive off. Through the red light, regardless of opposing traffic. I just want to go as fast as I can without letting off the gas. 25 quickly turns to 70. 70 turns to 95. Now is the time. I want to crash. Anything will do, except a person, house or traffic. A public building, a median strip, a guard rail. No cars though. Although my recklessness is selfish, I don't want to ruin an innocent's life. I don't know why. To see who comes to my funeral? To get rid of my problems? Just to do it? I don't know. But I want to.

Except it's not a dream.

Untitled

I'm tired, worried/sad and overall unhappy at the moment. Too many things going on right now. Too many problems and no body wants to fix them or address them or they simply don't care. Oh well, maybe I should just be like everyone else and stop caring. It seems to work for them.

Hello!

Oh my, it's been so long since I've posted. So many things to say, not enough time to get them all out. Let's start with the important things:

Dani and I have been going out for almost 11 and a half months. It's closer to a year every time I blink, it seems. I'm extremely happy with her and I wouldn't mind going much more than a year, actually I'd prefer it :)

School is fine. I started off in AP Calculus BC (second part to calculus) and it didn't work out. Our school has gained so many Juniors this year, it has actually messed up the schedules because there are so many of them. To spare you the headache of explaining the changes, I'll just say they had to combine the first Calc class and the second Calc class (mine) into one class. They aren't the same. The teacher basically has to manage his time to teach two classes in one class period. I can't learn that way. I got switched out into my tech class as a Senior Aide for the Juniors. It's much easier and much less stress than I would've had in Calc, even if the classes weren't combined. Every other class is fine. Psychology, AP English Lit, Honors Sociology (which earns me 3 credits for HCC) and then I go to my tech class as an Aide.

I've been alone a lot lately, completely alone. My parents are heavily involved in the Band Boosters at North and Andy is in the drumline. So the nights when he has practice and they have to do concession stand for some sporting event, I'm alone. For several hours. I thought it would be great, I'd be alone and do whatever I want, including playing computer games on the big TV in the living room without being bothered, and I have done that while they're gone. But now it gets old and I get bored/lonely. Oh well, what can I do about it?

One thing I forgot to say about my parents and the Band Boosters. They get so stressed or frustrated--I don't know which--after meetings or concession stand, it's ridiculous. They come home in a bad mood, and I can tell without them even saying anything or looking at me. They fight over nothing. I like to play a game where I can come up with a way to resolve the fight quickly, and I usually can, but it's not a good idea to say anything when they're like this. I don't care.

Softball ended on August 24th. It's been a while since I've done any physical activity. Andy chased me once and I was so out of breath. I'm so out of shape already -.- Hopefully it will change soon..

I got a new Laptop! HP - Pavilion Artist Edition 2 Laptop with AMD Turion™ X2 Ultra Mobile Processor - dv6-1260se. It's ahmazin. I'm on it now. I don't use my desktop anymore. It's old and crappy =P haha. Andy said he wants to take it apart and look at it (since he's in the computer repair class in our school). I'm fine with it. I don't really want it anymore.

I'm in my Senior year. Graduation is tomorrow (as one of the college representative visitors put it). In my senior year, my tech class has to (individually) come up with game ideas. Microsoft actually comes into our class and we pitch the game ideas to them. If they like it, they may tell us to continue developing it and they may be interested in paying for it with royalties (where I would continually earn money if the game sells or they make sequals, etc.) which is exciting. Unfortunately, my class is terrible with due dates and some of they took a while to get their game ideas out. We are now 2-3 weeks behind. Microsoft may not come. If they don't, I'll be extremely disappointed. It's a once in a lifetime chance. I will never get to pitch a game to them again, let alone just being in school. No colleges on the east coast get a visit from them, which is saying a lot since we are only a high school.

Another project we have to do as seniors is to develop a winter animation that will be distributed to possibly thousands of people all around the world. I don't really care for that too much. Seems kinda boring to me, but I'll do it. We do this project as an entire class. We have to come up with a kid's story and put it in animation form. The animation part is fun, the kid's story is not. Haha, oh well.

I actually think that's it for my update on life. Thanks for reading!

I really should start writing on this more, so I don't have to write such a crap load of words. =O

Not that anyone reads this...

I kinda forgot this existed. A lot of things have happened since my last post. I'm over the baseball thing. I tried to play in Big League, but that didn't work out because there wasn't enough people interested so the league never started. Then I started playing on my church's softball team starting on may 18th. It's a lot of fun. The people are really funny and nice.

School is out. Last day was this wednesday, the 3rd. I'm a senior! =O This next year will go fast and I need it to slow down. It's going to pass before I know it. I don't want it to haha. I just want to stay in school for a while, with my friends and carefree life, even though it's not as carefree as it used to be haha.

One bad thing that happened lately was with my older brother Travis. Not going into details, but he did something bad and went to court yesterday. He got 2 years in prison. He could shorten his sentence if he did some things around the jail like double-celling with someone, or picking up trash around the jail. I will hope that he will do that. Pray for him and his family? I think everyone will need it.

I want to get back to posting in here more often than I have been. It's nice to write out things, even if it doesn't mean anything to anyone but yourself. See you again next time.

Strike Three, You're Out.

Eh. I've been trying out for North High's Baseball team since Saturday morning. Today we were at North in the gym practicing. At the end of practice, Coach Myers came up to me and another kid and told us he'd have to let us go. It's pretty depressing. I've been trying out for North since freshman year and I just can't seem to get in. I thought this year would be different. I seemed to do alot better than I did last year. Everyone else just did even better than I did. I tried my best and failed. Better luck next year? I don't know yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to try out (surprise?). Whatever. The worst part is that this year I've developed a phobia of trying out. When I went to one of the meetings this year, I was so nervous around them, like I didn't belong. Everyone else had played baseball for North. I was the only one that didn't. I felt terrible. Everyone was having a good time talking and laughing before the meeting while I sat there like I was left out in the cold. None of them knew me, and I only knew some of them from hearing their names. When tryouts came it was even worse. Everyone expected me to fail, since I had done so in the past. None of them said anything to me but it was obvious that that's what they were thinking. It still gets worse. I can't look at anyone on the team after being cut. When I see them in the halls (it's not as bad this year since I go to tech) I automatically look away or down. It feels like I'm not good enough to be around them. I know it's not true but I can't seem to change the way I feel. As I said, I don't know if I'm going to try out in my Senior year. That would be the best year to make it, but that's what I thought about my sophomore year for JV and look what happened. I don't know anymore. I don't know where I'm going to play elsewhere this year. It looks like Maugansville isn't going to have their Big League. The idea of me playing for my church's softball team sounds fun, but softball is much different from baseball. Most people don't realize it. The rules are different. The gameplay is different. It won't feel right to me. I can try it but I can't imagine I'll like it as much as I like baseball. I don't like anything as much as baseball. Oh well. I'll get over it.

If you want to talk to me, whatever. MySpace, Facebook, AIM, I don't care.

Bye.

Longgg Time

It's valentine's day and I'm just so happy haha. This was the first year I had a girlfriend during Valentine's. Andy and the North High Percussion/Colorguard had a competition and we had to leave at SEVEN AM -.- haha. didn't like that part too much especially since i'm sick. Anyway, we got there (dani came too since she is their photographer). Both percussion and colorguard won 1st place which is great. when we got back to north, dani came to my house. so we could give each other the gifts we got for each other. I got her skittles and a card with lots of glitter on it >:) but she had to be mean and wipe it all over my pillow :(

haha she got me lemonheads, a creepy stoned monkey thing haha. I like it =P and she also got me a really cool card haha. then i gave her the white rose that she wasn't expecting. i love surprising her haha.

after that we went out to eat at Ryan's. She'd never been there before and I think she liked it which is good haha. Then we went to the movies to see Taken. We got there early though so we had time to read the "notes" we wrote each other talking about everything we think of each other, and our past/present/future. Nothing was held back and it was really nice. And by note, i mean 5-8 pages haha. Then we went to see Taken. I really liked it, the guy beats everyone up haha.

Then we went back in the van so i could drive her home but we didn't want to go. i figured we could stay a few more minutes just to spend some more time together. i really didn't want her to go even though we had spent the last 15 hours together haha. When we got to her house we hugged goodbye like always and we said "i love you" to eachother for the first time. i'm really excited that we have gotten to this point and the 4 month wait was more than worth it.

good night :)

First blog in a month!?

Aha. Haven't really felt like blogging lately. I shouldn't be doing it right now, I should be doing my homework so I can get over to Dani's soon. Today is 3 months for us and that makes me really happy. :)

How was your Christmas/New Years? Mine was great. I got a camera, a few games, clothes, and other stuff for Christmas. Dani gave me a little Wall-e toy and a note that said "You're the Wall-e to my Eve." It was really nice. I gave her an Ugly Doll (click). haha. I also gave her a heart necklace. I'm glad she liked it.

New Years Eve was fun. I went to a church of Dani's friend for an overnighter. I knew alot of people there =O I had a lot of fun. We played Guitar Hero at 2 in the morning haha. I won, then she won. But i mostly lost overall :( haha. We stayed up all night. I slept for 15 minutes, eh, so what? lol.

So, today is the 6th. Today is 3 months for us. Thursday is the 8th, my 17th birthday. Friday, the 9th, me and Dani are going to see the Unborn in theaters for our 3 months. I'm really excited for this week haha. I don't know what else to write here. I noticed that I'm not the only one that hasn't blogged in a while. Write write write people. I need something to read =P

Bye.

So it's 5:36..

I had to do my english essay today. Decided to do it a few hours ago. I also had to work on my game since it has to be done tomorrow, maybe. He always changes the due date -.-

What else to do? No point in sleeping since I have to get up in an hour and a half. Ah well. I'm not as tired as I thought I'd be. It will be interesting to see how the day goes with no sleep. I love how my sense of time gets completely thrown off when I don't sleep. It's funny.

So today I woke up and started to clean my room since my dad told me to or else dani wouldn't come over. also, dani came over today. =P haha. She came over around 4. Went home around 10. So i started working from 10:15ish to 5:30. Win! Let's do this more often, yes? haha. I can feel myself getting weirder, like I always do when I stay up late. I've been listening to the same music for a while but luckily the songs i've chosen don't get old. =D

My tv has been on this whole time. I've heard so many Ozzy Ozz commercials, the world of warcraft and the new phone one. i think they are so funny. I would pause from working just to watch them lol. So, how are you guys? I know I have at least 4 readers. No one comments this anymore and I don't know what's going on in your lives. Talk to meh. I keep seeing something crawling around on my desk but there's nothing there haha. Odd, maybe I should go to sleep, eh? Nahhhhh. haha. I'm out.

--5:42