Want to learn a little about me?

This isn't going to be a common known fact thing. This is coming from inside, and it's going to be things i tell very few people, if any. most of them will probably be flaws. i'm not sure yet, as i'm still planning this blog out in my head as i write this. So, here goes.

I need attention. I really do. Sometimes i think about doing something bad so i could get attention. faking sickness, acting sad, and i've even considered messing up my life. i've never seriously considered it though. so if you're already worried, you might as well stop reading. i'm not going to start doing drugs, or cutting, or anything like that, it's all just random thinking.

I'm insecure. I'm skinny. Trying to gain weight, but it's not working too well. I may look normal, but i'm sub-par and i don't like it at all. it's even been pointed out to me before that i need to gain weight, and it wasn't a doctor that told me.

my baseball life. i'm not good at baseball. i want to be, and this is the one to tear me up. i love it, but no matter how hard i train for it, everyone else is training just as hard and they are already above me. by the time i get to their level one year, they are one level ahead and i can't catch up. sometimes i think about quitting because i just let my team down, especially batting. sometimes i think that i shouldn't even bother trying out for north because the last two years have been nothing but disappointment and humiliation.

girlfriends? haven't had much luck here either. i've only had 2 in my life. one lasting 8 days, the other lasting just under a month. i always wonder if the first one was just to mess with my head. she never actually told me why she broke up with me. i don't buy the "it's just not what i thought it would be" excuse. it would be stupid to ask her now, almost one year later. the second one was amazing while it lasted. I'm really shy when it comes to exposing my feelings for someone. i know it's stupid, but, like baseball, it almost always brings disappointment and humiliation.

friends. it's really hard for me sometimes to please my friends. i have friends from everywhere. nerds to jocks, funny ones to serious ones. rival friends to friends i'm forced to befriend. i can't do something for one type without upsetting another type. i can't seem to choose a group to stick with, while avoiding the other groups. this is where it gets hard. naturally, one group will make fun of another. and i'm in both groups. if i'm in the group making fun of one, i'm forced to make fun of them too, but it's hard when you're making fun of your friends.

school. sometimes i feel like i'm being pushed too hard. i'm in two AP classes, one of which is my least favorite, and worst subject, English. I don't understand anything in that class. I don't read much either, and it's hard to read at the same pace as some of the other bookworms in that class. Also, there are only 4 boys in that class out of about 20. Girls tend to discuss more, and explain the hard parts of their lives and their feelings. I don't want to discuss my feelings, but sometimes we get sucked into the discussion. my other classes are fine. I have the lowest grade in my AP Calc class, a 72.5. It's because i don't do my homework. i have about 3 missing assignments. i hope i can do them this weekend.

my walks. i've started taking daily walks (with the exception of today because it was rainy) not only to improve my health, but to get away from my family. i've been so sheltered it's not even funny. i don't want to be. i was not allowed out of my block, let alone my neighborhood until i was about 14. My mom is so over-protective it's not funny. I really like my walks. I can listen to my music as loud as i want, i can be by myself and not say a word and avoid any awkward silences with other people. don't get me wrong, i'd love to take a walk with people, it would be fun. just saying that sometimes i'll just walk by myself. don't take it personally.

I guess that's it. maybe you learned something about me tonight, or today, whenever you are reading this. just bored and felt like explaining myself some. people think they know me well, but they don't. things on the inside work differently than on the outside.